


Okay To Stumble

by vaguesalvation



Category: the GazettE
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-16
Updated: 2011-10-16
Packaged: 2017-10-24 16:44:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/265681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaguesalvation/pseuds/vaguesalvation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, when his life seems bleak and stagnant, when he feels particularly small and unimportant, Taka will climb the stairs of his apartment building to the roof.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Okay To Stumble

Sometimes, when his life seems bleak and stagnant, when he feels particularly small and unimportant, Taka will climb the stairs of his apartment building up to the roof. His feet crunch on gravel as he moves to the very center, his hoodie whipping around him in the wind, his face turning red from the cold. He breathes deeply, fully, and stares up at the stars he can only barely make out through the light pollution. The sky glows a faint and eerie orange-red even in the dead of night, but he takes comfort in the familiarity of the city.

 

He doesn’t bring music with him, or his notebook. He likes the sounds of the cars passing. He needs to be reminded of reality sometimes, needs to know that his life doesn’t just consist of pitches and notes and the feel of the bass in his ears. His heart needs to beat to a rhythm it creates itself. He likes the quiet he can only find in white noise.

 

He stuffs his hand into his hoodie pocket and pulls out his lighter and one of two cigarettes he brought with him.

 

He walks to the edge of the building and props one of his feet on the concrete ledge. He leans over the slant of his leg so that he can look at the busy nightlife below him. He envies the people he sees. Envies that they can walk so freely though the city, their lives are simple, less demanding.

 

He scoffs at his own naïve thoughts.

 

He takes a hit from the cigarette and blows the smoke over the edge of the building. It distorts his view only enough for everything to appear hazy and unreal. It seems that recently this is the only way for him to see the world around him. He feels blind and lost in the fog, only taking things in through a filtered screen that he’s created for himself.

 

Taka thinks about the new album. He goes over the selected tracks; he has second thoughts about some of the songs they agreed to compose. He wonders if some of the songs are too much like others, if he’s created his own cliché. He knows there was nothing he could do about it now, pre-production had started a week ago, and if he changes his mind now he wouldn’t hear the end of it for months.

 

His thoughts are interrupted by a loud sound behind him. He doesn’t want to turn. It’s more likely that the disturbance had been a stray animal, but on the off chance that there was a person standing behind him, angry that he was on the roof, he feels it’s best for him to play ignorant.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

The voice is familiar. A strange unexplainable force seems to enter his chest. It takes away the feeling of doubt and displacement and fills him with a warmth he had almost forgotten. He smiles and responds without turning.

 

“How did you know I was up here?”

 

He feels strong arms wrap around his waist, breath hot against his neck. “Call it a sixth sense.”

 

He laughs despite himself. “You know, most people would call that creepy.”

 

“It’s a good thing you’re not most people then, huh?”

 

He tosses his cigarette over the ledge and leans back into the other man’s chest. Teeth nip at the underside of his jaw and he exhales, tension ebbing slowly from his body. He hums in approval.

 

Yutaka chuckles against his skin and moves to speak directly in his ear. “So, what’s up, moody vocalist?”

 

He shrugs. He hadn’t expected anyone to follow him up to the roof, but it was pretty pointless to lie to Yutaka. His skin might as well be made of glass in front of the drummer. He inhales deeply and wishes for another cigarette, if only for an excuse to hold this conversation off a little longer. He reaches up and slips his fingers between Yutaka’s.

 

“Do you,” he starts, pausing for a moment to think of how he should word his question, “Do you ever think about what it would be like if things were different?”

 

He can practically hear the older man’s frown forming. “What do you mean different? What things?”

 

“Everything. If we were never signed. If you and I had never gotten together. If we were anything other than musicians—”

 

“You could never be anything other than a musician.”

 

“—If I’d never left home.”

 

He feels Yutaka’s sharp intake of breath against his back. He leans his head against a sturdy shoulder.

 

“I was just thinking about it today, and I realized that I haven’t seen them in almost a year.”

 

Yutaka kisses his neck. “I never thought I’d see the day you got homesick.”

 

Taka laughs at this, if only to cover his nerves. He knows where the drummer is coming from, he never thought he would experience such feelings either. When he left his home, he left with intentions of never going back. The vocalist is amazed by how young he was.

 

“You should go home then, if you feel this way.”

 

Taka rolls his eyes. “And say what? Hey, guys, your fucked-up son is back because he actually misses you.”

 

“I suppose that’s one approach.” The drummer’s voice is low and humorless.

 

He wants to apologize. He knows Yutaka hates it when he says things like that about himself, but sometimes, he just can’t help it. A silence settles over them and Yutaka’s arms around his waist tighten. For a moment, the world seems to stop moving.

 

“I used to sit on the roof of my house,” he says. “The window to my room led out to a ledge that was the perfect size to sit on. I would go out there whenever my dad pissed me off, to think.”

 

Yutaka nods in understanding. “Why the roof?”

 

His brow furrows and he swallows thickly. No one has ever asked him that before. He’s never asked himself that before even. It’s just always seemed the best place to go when he’s needed to think, needed time to himself.

 

“I… I’ve never really thought about it before.”

 

Yutaka doesn’t say anything, but Taka knows that when the drummer nips at the back of his neck it’s to prompt him to continue thinking about it. Yutaka is patient when Taka needs him to be.

 

He’s warmer with the drummer wrapped around him, but he can still feel the wind on his face. He breathes deeply again, holds the oxygen in his lungs and closes his eyes. For an instant, it’s all air, all breathing, and the feeling of being free of gravity. He feels lighter suddenly and understanding comes to him.

 

“It’s the air,” he says and feels Yutaka smile against his neck. “It’s weightless. I like being away from the ground.”

 

“Makes sense. The higher up you are, the less weighted you feel?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Taka feels the drummer press his forehead against his back. It is something the older man does when he is feeling possessive. Taka likes the idea. It makes him feel special, needed.

 

Yutaka tightens his grip around the vocalist. “I love you.”

 

The words make Taka’s entire body twinge with lust. It had been a few months since their relationship escalated to the point of love and Taka thinks those words will never get old. He turns in Yutaka’s arms to see the drummer’s face.

 

Even in the dim lighting of far-off street lamps, Yutaka is beautiful. Taka can tell that the man had worked a lot that day, his eyes look tired and his hair untidy. His stomach flips and his heart pounds against his ribs. Every time he’s this close to the other man it’s the same. He’s warm and excited and he can’t seem to ever get close enough.

 

He feels desperate and weak and he knows Yutaka can sense this, knows because the hands on his back are firm, solid, holding him to the drummer’s chest. The older man just smiles and presses their foreheads together. Their lips are centimeters apart.

 

“I want to come with you.”

 

He blinks, surprised by the words. “What?”

 

“When you go home. I want to come with you.”

 

The breath in his lungs escapes him in one short puff that heats the air between them. “I wasn’t aware I’d decided to go home.”

 

“Did you decide not to?”

 

“Well.” He shifts uncomfortably. “No.”

 

“Well,” Yutaka mimics, “okay, then. Looks like we’re taking a trip to Yokohama.”

 

Taka laughs nervously. “I like that you just decided that for me.”

 

Yutaka shrugs and pulls him even closer. “You weren’t going to decide.”

 

He can’t really argue with that. Even if he did eventually make a decision, it wouldn’t be for at least a few weeks. Sometimes, he needs Yutaka to make decisions for him. He sighs and wraps his arms around the drummer’s neck.

 

“Okay,” he presses his lips to the drummer’s once. “I’ll call my mom later this week.”

 

“Good.” Yutaka kisses him again. It’s slow and leaves Taka breathless. “Now, come inside, it’s fucking freezing out here.”


End file.
